I don’t want to ruin someone’s life

So I hid behind the screen

The burden is too much

Too much

I create with what I believe are good intentions

But I remember the creations as damaging

Egoic

Lost

I was lost

Parroting what it was I learned

From someone I now despised

He steered me away

Far far away from my center

My core

I wasn’t myself anymore

I hate that I got lost

I hate that I felt like I didn’t know myself well enough to know this was bad

This was not good

I passed along the same egoic, painful vibe to my work

With paying customers, thankful for the course

Here I am beating myself up for having created it

For having created a monster

A monster that is continually harping the same messages that I was taught

But

Somehow

This does not seem accurate

Yes I did repeat many things that I learned from this man I despised

But

I remember now

I ultimately was leading myself back to

Myself

The words and messages I delivered

I pointed myself back to center

I taught about brand, products, conventions, pricing and engaging

All things that I felt was important to consider when building a business

The deeper messages, regardless of the tactical tips, I was still doing my best to speak from a loving place

Or rather, my best was showing through

I’m not a fan of the energy

An energy I feel was fueled from ego and unmet pain.

I was not very conscious as far as I remember

And I shame myself so very much for it.

I feel like I could’ve been better

I should have been better

And feel like I was just like those nasty people putting out misinformation

Only caring about the money

The results

I hate that this happened

And that’s the thing

I don’t want to put myself down for something that I did

I don’t want to be angry at myself for being unconscious

That I could’ve done better

I don’t want to hate what I did or regret what I’ve done

I want to love and be compassionate with myself

I want to appreciate what has happened, no matter what has happened

I want to be grateful for the experience, no matter what that experience was

I want to forgive myself and love myself, regardless of what happened

Know that I am loved

I am forgiven

And I am appreciated

Know that I am not what happened

I am not what I feel

And yet allow myself to remember

To feel

What needs to be felt and seen

That is it

I am not what happened in 2017

I am not the courses

I am not the messages said in those videos

I am not the energy of “evil” in those videos

I am not the businesses

I am not the results

I am not what happens to the students

I am not what happened

I am not what happens


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