I am dreaming again.
I didn’t think I could do this again after I burned and crashed this past winter.
I had worked so hard on a project, an online course.
Only to realize later that the course was not what I wanted to do.
I stopped working.
I stopped creating.
I stopped everything.
Because in my mind then, it was easier to do nothing than to do anything at all and find out I was wrong.
Not wrong in error, but wrong in my journey, in my direction, in my purpose.
I know my purpose is not bounded by one but many.
But teaching how to make money at artist alley
That wasn’t one of them.
Or maybe it is.
Occasionally my mind likes to question.
To know if I’m REALLY sure about something.
Because even when I know in my soul what I am to do,
My mind still likes to sneak in its own say, its own opinion.
And that “maybe” up there.
That maybe would have derailed me from my purposes again.
Perhaps I WAS meant to create the course.
Not to learn the technical or marketing skills from creating and selling the course, as I could have learned from doing other projects.
But to learn from the derailment.
To hate, blame, and guilt myself again by not following my intuition again.
I hated myself.
I hated that I listened to someone else’s suggestion to do a project that was considered “marketable,” something that people would buy and pay me for it.
To strive for the money instead of doing what felt right in my soul.
To help you create art true to your soul.
I was dishonest in my intention to create the course.
To you and to myself.
And that hurt.
That hurt A LOT.
I’m not mad at the person who gave me the suggestion.
I’m not mad that I completed the course.
I’m mad because I betrayed MYSELF.
I had control.
I could have stood up for myself.
But I didn’t.
Why didn’t I?
Because I was afraid.
I was greedy.
Afraid that I wouldn’t make money with my passion project.
Greedy for money.
To make things worse, this wasn’t the first time I chose to listen to someone else and doubt myself.
I listened to my mom and chose to study something else besides art.
She had convinced me I would not be able to make money in art.
Realizing 6 years later that teaching science wasn’t for me, I woke up one day knowing in my soul that art was still calling for me.
So that’s what I did.
I did art.
But the fear was still there.
Money was still holding onto me tightly, pulling me deep into greed.
I wanted money.
Not to make something.
Not to create anything for myself.
But to prove to everyone, to prove to my mother
That I can make money doing art.
And I did.
I made money selling art at conventions.
And I wanted people to know this.
I wanted to be proof that it’s actually possible to pursue something you love and still make money doing what you love.
I wanted to help other artists feel confident that they, too, can make money in art.
However, deep down, this desire to inspire others was a secret need to validate myself.
I kept saying this line over and over to others convincing myself that I am helping.
But really, it was something I needed to say over and over to convince myself it was possible.
Yes, I was making money.
Yes, I was profiting.
But there I was, still living with my parents, feeding off of what they had built.
When I hadn’t built anything for myself.
Life is not about making money to prove to others that you can.
Life is not about anything but to simply live.
You can of course make money with art and anything else when you feel it from within.
Nothing to prove.
Nothing to convince.
You will know
In your heart
In your soul
When you quiet your mind and listen
That ANYTHING is possible.
I don’t have to show or prove that to you.
You just know.
The money is secondary.
Your presence, your truth, your love for your work,
For you creations
Is all you really need