An aside from Being Present for the Past

***

I remember when I was having an argument with my mom and I couldn’t hold back my anger anymore.

I let myself be angry.

I could feel it.

I just let my emotions go.

And yes, even though the neighbors probably heard us,

Maybe my mom didn’t directly acknowledge my feelings,

But I know I did.

I let my feelings be heard and felt.

And that’s all I needed to be happy again.

My mom came back home later that night and didn’t apologize or anything.

But I could tell that she had time to reflect too.

And she actually did listen.

Because she didn’t asked me to do anything I didn’t want to do anymore.

In my anger, I said I was tired of dealing with her responsibilities,

And told her over and over to just deal with her own stuff.

Because I didn’t want handle them anymore.

I had it.

When I allowed myself to be angry, I was aware of what I needed in my “angry” demands,

Now I know that when I do something for someone, I actually have to want to do it.

And she would either respect me or get angry about it.

But just as I let my anger be, I let her be angry too.

And not take her anger personally.

Not to take on the responsibility to calm her down.

That is for her to figure out herself.

***

So given what I know now, is there anything I would do differently?

No.

I wouldn’t hold back my emotions.

I do not regret telling this person how I felt.

I was only honoring my feelings for what they were at the time.

So what am I supposed to do when my emotions do take the best of me?

Forgive myself.

There is nothing to do but to forgive myself.

I am only human.

And when I’m ready,

Be aware of what the past feelings were, what I need, and work THROUGH them where I am now.

What about the other person then?

I just have to be there for their feelings too.

To not take them personally,

Or take responsibility for the feelings others are experiencing.

Whether or not the feelings are being experienced by me or by others,

Feelings are not to be owned.

They are there simply to be felt,

To be observed.

To be experienced.

We are not emotions.

We FEEL emotions.

And as human beings, we have the luxury of feeling them all.

And feeling ANY kind of emotion is BEAUTIFUL.