Here

I want to kiss you

But I don’t know if I ever will

The way you hold me, cradle me in your arms

I can tell

You were there

You wanted to be there with me

You enjoyed having me in your arms

I felt wanted

I felt you wanted me

To be there with me

I still remember your touch

Your gaze

Your smile

Your soul

So light

So bright

So kind

So caring

I want to be with that forever

I want to feel that forever

But you are not here

Your body is not near

What am I to do?

What am I to do

without you?

I can’t do this alone

Please don’t leave me alone

I’m fragile and weak,

Sore and afraid

It hurts when you’re away

It hurts that you’re not here

What am I to do?

What am I to do?

I love you

Don’t I?

Don’t I?

This is love right?

I love you right?

Why isn’t this enough?

Why is this not enough?

You are not here anymore

Is it because you want to be there?

There when you held me?

There when you were there for me?

But not here when you can’t?

Not here where you can’t?

Because you can’t?

You can’t

You can’t

You can’t be here right now

You’re not here right now

That is fine

That is fine

I understand

Because I was there too

Instead of here

Being here

And here

is just fine

2/23/19

Man at the Atm

To the man that offered to help me into the bank ATM:
Thank you for your help
Thank you for your kindness 
And thank you for being straightforward with me
“Are you single?
Do you live here?
I’m just asking because you look cute.
I was wondering if we can exchange numbers.”
“Yes
Yes
Thank you
But no”
I said.
No qualm.
No anger.
No persistence.
Thank you for your respect and kindness.
It was refreshing.
And thank you to Self.
I was able to be truly myself around a man without the fear of needing to please him or be polite.
I received his compliment and gesture with grace and gratitude.
No disregarding.
No sidestepping.
No lies.
I’m proud of myself.
I’m happy with the work I’ve done.
It’s taken quite a bit of time.
But I’m feeling confident
Truly confident.
There are still many blockages I can feel throughout my body, but I’m encouraged to feel them through
Listen to them through 
Be with them through
Thank you for reflecting what I feel in myself
Kindness, love, and acceptance
I in turn feel I can trust the world around me once more
What I feel in my heart and in my soul.
Thank you, man at the ATM.
Thank you.
Much love to you.

Ruining Someone’s Life

I don’t want to ruin someone’s life

So I hid behind the screen

The burden is too much

Too much

I create with what I believe are good intentions

But I remember the creations as damaging

Egoic

Lost

I was lost

Parroting what it was I learned

From someone I now despised

He steered me away

Far far away from my center

My core

I wasn’t myself anymore

I hate that I got lost

I hate that I felt like I didn’t know myself well enough to know this was bad

This was not good

I passed along the same egoic, painful vibe to my work

With paying customers, thankful for the course

Here I am beating myself up for having created it

For having created a monster

A monster that is continually harping the same messages that I was taught

But

Somehow

This does not seem accurate

Yes I did repeat many things that I learned from this man I despised

But

I remember now

I ultimately was leading myself back to

Myself

The words and messages I delivered

I pointed myself back to center

I taught about brand, products, conventions, pricing and engaging

All things that I felt was important to consider when building a business

The deeper messages, regardless of the tactical tips, I was still doing my best to speak from a loving place

Or rather, my best was showing through

I’m not a fan of the energy

An energy I feel was fueled from ego and unmet pain.

I was not very conscious as far as I remember

And I shame myself so very much for it.

I feel like I could’ve been better

I should have been better

And feel like I was just like those nasty people putting out misinformation

Only caring about the money

The results

I hate that this happened

And that’s the thing

I don’t want to put myself down for something that I did

I don’t want to be angry at myself for being unconscious

That I could’ve done better

I don’t want to hate what I did or regret what I’ve done

I want to love and be compassionate with myself

I want to appreciate what has happened, no matter what has happened

I want to be grateful for the experience, no matter what that experience was

I want to forgive myself and love myself, regardless of what happened

Know that I am loved

I am forgiven

And I am appreciated

Know that I am not what happened

I am not what I feel

And yet allow myself to remember

To feel

What needs to be felt and seen

That is it

I am not what happened in 2017

I am not the courses

I am not the messages said in those videos

I am not the energy of “evil” in those videos

I am not the businesses

I am not the results

I am not what happens to the students

I am not what happened

I am not what happens


I am Confident

I am confident you love me

I am confident you never mean to hurt me

I am confident you do not hate me

I am confident you want what makes me happy

I am confident we can be good friends

I am confident we can heal from our painful past

And I am confident I can be a better person with you by my side.


Move

I don’t want to

I don’t want to move

It’s too comfortable here

Where I lay

Nothing needs to be changed

I do not want to get up

I do not want to put in the effort to move things

Clean things

Scrub things

Tend to things

Take care of things

It’s comfortable here

It’s comfortable here

But my stomach is growling

My head is spinning

My bladder is full

I do not want to get down from here

I do not want to move

It’s too comfortable here

So comfortable here

Is it a problem that I do not want to move?

That I am not tending to my physical needs?

To my physical environment?

To my work?

To the world?

I just feel safe

I feel comfortable

I do not want to move

Why move when it feels so warm and safe here?

Why move when the unknown starts when I do?

Why move when I see no point in making the change?

In being the change

It won’t make a difference

No one will see

No one will know

No one will recognize or thank me for what I do

What is the point?

What is the point of moving from here?

I don’t want to move

I don’t want to move

It’s too scary to move

What if I make a mistake?

What if I get yelled at?

What if I hurt somebody?

What if all I do is all for naught?

Efforts wasted with nothing to gain, nothing to earn

Nothing rewarded for what I do?

I don’t want to risk it

I don’t want to risk it

It’s too scary to risk it

Leave me here

Leave me alone

Under the sheets

Under the covers

Away from people

Away from things

Where it is comfortable

Where no one sees me

Alone

In the dark

Wallowing in my pain

The agony

The sorrow

I sob

Tears fall

Why?

Why must I leave here?

Why must I leave my bed when everything I do is useless?

No point in trying

I can’t

I can’t stay here

My body wants to move

She wants to move

She aches to move

I need to move

I need to get off

Get off from here

Come down from there

Down the hallway

Pass the doors

Into the light

I see myself

I see my face in the mirror

Eyes

Nose

Cheeks

Ears

Smile

I did it

I did it

I moved


Price Tag

I keep the price tags

The boxes

The plastic bags

The wrapping papers

The receipts

Are these things really mine?

Do I have the right to use them?

Should I use them?

Or even look at them?

They were purchased by someone else

These used to belong to someone else

They were made by someone else

These things aren’t mine

They do not belong with me

I do not deserve these

I do not deserve to keep these

To use these

To cherish these

I do not have the right to hold these in my hands

Or lovingly hold them in my gaze

No, I mustn’t look at them

They do not deserve me

I do not deserve them

I did nothing to have them

I did nothing to own them

In my presence

In my possession

In my custody

To decide their fates

To decide their lives

Who goes

And who dies?

Who am I to decide?

So I will shyly refold the wrapping paper

Reseal the plastic bags

Re-tape the boxes

Keep the price tags

Save the receipts

And tuck the things out of sight

For safekeeping

Or so I believe

As they deserve to stay

But not with me

Until

That is

I am ready to see them again

Until then

I will reopen the boxes

Unseal the bags

Unwrap the wrapping papers

And hold you in my hands

Touch and feel you in my palms

Against my chest

Through my body

And with my heart

I deserve you

You deserve me

We both have each other

Here

Now

And Always

I cherish you

I accept you

I receive you

You are with me

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