I am Confident

I am confident you love me

I am confident you never mean to hurt me

I am confident you do not hate me

I am confident you want what makes me happy

I am confident we can be good friends

I am confident we can heal from our painful past

And I am confident I can be a better person with you by my side.


Move

I don’t want to

I don’t want to move

It’s too comfortable here

Where I lay

Nothing needs to be changed

I do not want to get up

I do not want to put in the effort to move things

Clean things

Scrub things

Tend to things

Take care of things

It’s comfortable here

It’s comfortable here

But my stomach is growling

My head is spinning

My bladder is full

I do not want to get down from here

I do not want to move

It’s too comfortable here

So comfortable here

Is it a problem that I do not want to move?

That I am not tending to my physical needs?

To my physical environment?

To my work?

To the world?

I just feel safe

I feel comfortable

I do not want to move

Why move when it feels so warm and safe here?

Why move when the unknown starts when I do?

Why move when I see no point in making the change?

In being the change

It won’t make a difference

No one will see

No one will know

No one will recognize or thank me for what I do

What is the point?

What is the point of moving from here?

I don’t want to move

I don’t want to move

It’s too scary to move

What if I make a mistake?

What if I get yelled at?

What if I hurt somebody?

What if all I do is all for naught?

Efforts wasted with nothing to gain, nothing to earn

Nothing rewarded for what I do?

I don’t want to risk it

I don’t want to risk it

It’s too scary to risk it

Leave me here

Leave me alone

Under the sheets

Under the covers

Away from people

Away from things

Where it is comfortable

Where no one sees me

Alone

In the dark

Wallowing in my pain

The agony

The sorrow

I sob

Tears fall

Why?

Why must I leave here?

Why must I leave my bed when everything I do is useless?

No point in trying

I can’t

I can’t stay here

My body wants to move

She wants to move

She aches to move

I need to move

I need to get off

Get off from here

Come down from there

Down the hallway

Pass the doors

Into the light

I see myself

I see my face in the mirror

Eyes

Nose

Cheeks

Ears

Smile

I did it

I did it

I moved


Price Tag

I keep the price tags

The boxes

The plastic bags

The wrapping papers

The receipts

Are these things really mine?

Do I have the right to use them?

Should I use them?

Or even look at them?

They were purchased by someone else

These used to belong to someone else

They were made by someone else

These things aren’t mine

They do not belong with me

I do not deserve these

I do not deserve to keep these

To use these

To cherish these

I do not have the right to hold these in my hands

Or lovingly hold them in my gaze

No, I mustn’t look at them

They do not deserve me

I do not deserve them

I did nothing to have them

I did nothing to own them

In my presence

In my possession

In my custody

To decide their fates

To decide their lives

Who goes

And who dies?

Who am I to decide?

So I will shyly refold the wrapping paper

Reseal the plastic bags

Re-tape the boxes

Keep the price tags

Save the receipts

And tuck the things out of sight

For safekeeping

Or so I believe

As they deserve to stay

But not with me

Until

That is

I am ready to see them again

Until then

I will reopen the boxes

Unseal the bags

Unwrap the wrapping papers

And hold you in my hands

Touch and feel you in my palms

Against my chest

Through my body

And with my heart

I deserve you

You deserve me

We both have each other

Here

Now

And Always

I cherish you

I accept you

I receive you

You are with me

3 Years This Day

Three years I met you This Day

I did not know what to expect,

This Day

I did not expect anything at all

And I am glad

For I opened up my heart to you

Willingly

Seamlessly

Instantly.

I was connected

I   felt   you

As though I have known you for many, many 

a lifetime

You opened up your heart and invited me in

I felt you there

Beautiful

Gentle

Kind

Giving

. . .

PEACE

Joy

Love

You knew me for who I am

You felt what was and held it for me to see

And I saw Me 

Through You

Felt Me

Through You

Love/d Me

Through You

You held me to See

And I felt held

Looked at

SEEN

With your mirror-like Soul

You gleaming, glowing Presence

Your Youness that is You

THANK YOU

Thank you for being, for me

For being You

I felt most myself with you

Love

Thank you love

You were there

You have always been there

I am now aware

With your help

Your existence

Your Being

The day we met three years This Day

Thank you 

I love you

Tuyet

2/20/19

2019: Release

This morning as I was rummaging through the thoughts in my mind, I am held on the word: RELEASE.

This whole year I was learning to raise myself from a child mindset to where I am now. I retraced my steps, revisited my past multiple times over and over until that part of me was recognized enough to move on and expand.

I didn’t know what I was doing until I was doing it. But that’s what happened.

I raised myself up again, the way I needed, the way I wasn’t raised. I had to fill in the gaps my parents were unable to teach me or model.

I had to teach myself…

How to be the person I wanted to be.

I was impatient…

So I learned stillness.

I hurt.

So I learned how to hurt and heal.

I learned and raised myself so well this year. I’m very happy with where I’ve been. The willingness to face the pain that lived in my body, to teach myself how to feel sadness and anger, fear and hatred, learning to recognize feelings of shame, words meant to hurt me, guilt…and how to work through them.

Learning to recognize how I expressed emotions, how my body feels when experiencing these emotions, how to label that emotion, how I cope, and how I wish to deal with them. Damn, that was so much work. But it was so worth it.

I feel so different than I was at the beginning of this year. I was in such a gloomy, isolated place. I didn’t know what to do. And when I thought I knew, I would remember again and again I didn’t.

I don’t know what I’m doing until I do it. Things don’t make sense until I experience it myself. And even then, I can’t explain my experiences into words.

I know of things words can barely explain, I’ve experienced only my body can feel.

And I’ve wanted so much for other people to feel what I feel, see what I see, know what I know…

Because damn it’s beautiful.

That’s why it’s so frustrating for me sometimes when people don’t get what I’m saying or how I’m feeling.

But now I know…maybe…

Everyone uniquely experience things.

So heck, I’m going to experience things the way I can.

So yes, this year was the year of hibernation, recovery, tending to old wounds, healing, exploration, and learning.

Resting, relaxing, listening, receiving, learning.

Heartache, bruises, pain, fear, anger, frustration, anxiety, guilt, shame…

Emptiness, loss, aggression, despair, depression, anxiety again…

It was a heck of a rollercoaster…

And it was a year well lived.

I’m ready for 2019.

RELEASE.

Keep Holding…Keep Holding…

This morning I consistently asked and wanted to hug him close…so very much.
I kept asking and holding and holding and holding…
Until he said:
“Hold me close and fixate on how it feels.
Hold me tight until you can remember that feeling.
Keep holding. Keep holding. 
Can you feel that?
That sensation?
All throughout your body?
Hold that.
Hold that until you remember it.”
I held onto that feeling until my body recognized it, as much as I could. 
And now I can feel it even more strongly.
When I ask again to be held, it’s even more instantaneous that I feel it.
Not on the surface of my body,
But from within.
I feel held and hugged from within.
How wonderful this feeling is.

Pin It on Pinterest