A Message for My Followers

A Message for My Followers

Hello everyone! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Thank you so much for being here with me for as long—or short—as you have. 😊

I suppose I can give you a little summary of what has happened since January (and as far back as late 2016).

I’ve been falling in love…with myself. 😊

Really I have.

I’ve been spending many quiet and loud moments being with myself and learning to love Me:

my past, my body,

my mind, my heart,

my tears, my anger,

my grief, my pain,

my joy, my happiness,

my fear, my shame

my family, my friends,

my bunny, my home,

my relationships, my freedom,

my career-lessness, my career-fullness…

I have learned to be me more than I’ve ever been and I couldn’t be happier and prouder for myself.

I was a scared little girl, everyone.

Scared, anxious, depressed, worried, hateful, revengeful, confused, sad, shameful—all-around not very happy, even though I wanted to be.

Giving myself permission to feel these emotions, to be vulnerable with myself, and most of all, be the most compassionate I’ve ever been for myself…

I am here because I have been the one for me.

I took care of myself these past few years.

REALLY took care of myself. As I would for a sick, lonely child. More than I’ve ever done for anyone. More than I’ve ever done for myself.

Being my own confidant, therapist, listener, friend, family, lover…

I’ve never felt happier.

I feel strong, courageous, confident—more than enough.

I feel like I don’t need to try to be myself anymore.

I am myself.

More than I’ve ever been.

And I’m happy to be here with you.

As I am.

True.

Vulnerable.

And Authentically, Me.

So thank you for being here. For being kind, gentle, patient, and open with me.

I’ve received so many wonderful messages, through kind words and energy, from you all these past few years, while I fumbled through the darkness and found myself as the Light.

I am more than happy to show you my work now. 😊

As critical and fearful as I’ve felt about creating and showing my work, I now genuinely feel confident to show up and “show off” what I do. 😁

I love each of my mistakes, as they are not “bad.” They’re just where they need to be for me to learn something new. ♥️

Here

I want to kiss you

But I don’t know if I ever will

The way you hold me, cradle me in your arms

I can tell

You were there

You wanted to be there with me

You enjoyed having me in your arms

I felt wanted

I felt you wanted me

To be there with me

I still remember your touch

Your gaze

Your smile

Your soul

So light

So bright

So kind

So caring

I want to be with that forever

I want to feel that forever

But you are not here

Your body is not near

What am I to do?

What am I to do

without you?

I can’t do this alone

Please don’t leave me alone

I’m fragile and weak,

Sore and afraid

It hurts when you’re away

It hurts that you’re not here

What am I to do?

What am I to do?

I love you

Don’t I?

Don’t I?

This is love right?

I love you right?

Why isn’t this enough?

Why is this not enough?

You are not here anymore

Is it because you want to be there?

There when you held me?

There when you were there for me?

But not here when you can’t?

Not here where you can’t?

Because you can’t?

You can’t

You can’t

You can’t be here right now

You’re not here right now

That is fine

That is fine

I understand

Because I was there too

Instead of here

Being here

And here

is just fine

2/23/19

My Story on Sugar Addiction

Sugar has been my substance of choice. Every time I felt stressed, I immediately turned to sugary foods for comfort. It seem to ease the stress and anxiety. (Do you relate?)

One day, I listened to a talk at an online Brain Change Summit (still love neuroscience!) about how an addiction researcher allowed his research participants, who were looking to quit smoking, to smoke.

“What?” they asked. “I thought we were here to quit smoking.”
“Just smoke,” the expert said. “But pay attention to the smoking.” 
They did and one woman recalled her experience which—to summarize—was: “Yuck! It tastes like chemicals. Gross!”

The idea is when you pay attention to a behavior/habit and observe no real gain or even a negative experience as a result of the behavior, you may have reduced craving for said behavior/substance and step out of the habit loop.

This sounded interesting to me and so I decided to try it myself
—with sugar. Here’s what happened:

I first tried some sort of pastry, I believe. A cookie, perhaps? (Me not recalling it well tells you a great deal already.) Within 30-60 minutes of consuming this sugary substance, I notice my mind slowing down, shutting down, even. Focus became difficult, so I left my work at the table to take a nap. 1 1/2 hours later, I woke up. That was my first noticeable “sugar trip.”

I was like, okay, maybe it’s just this ONE time. I’ll try it with another sugary substance and see what happens. This second time was with coffee ice cream. (I remember this one better probably because I told someone about it soon after.) I made sure to take a look at my watch before I had some ice cream to get a more accurate reading of the time frame. Ice cream at 3pm. Grogginess at 3:30pm.

Yup, I was definitely feeling groggy, mind foggy. I had a difficult time concentrating and my brain function slowed down again. I don’t think I took a nap, but I did have to sit in my bed a bit. Again, no work.

As it turns out, the following days without sugar were more productive, with many more hours of work done (and feeling good about it too)! I seem to have lost some weight as well, as the fat around my belly seem to have decreased and not yo-yo drastically as it did in the past. (This is just by eyeballing myself in the mirror.)

At this point, I didn’t want to try anything sugary anymore. Those two experiences were enough to keep me from taking anymore sweets. Even holding a fun size Snickers bar today for a 3rd and final test got me feeling physically ill.

What I used to imagine as sugary yummy, goodness in my mouth and medicine for my anxiety has become a near gag reflex and panic attack when I tried a pinch of chocolate-filled bread (instead of the Snickers bar) today. Just a pinch! My heart started racing, immediate thirst, then brain fog. My body was not happy. I felt like pulling the piece of bread out of my esophagus.

So now I can’t have sweets. Not because I know cognitively that it’s not good for me. But because I am more aware of how my mind and body are physically affected by sugar. And the experiences have not been good. I still crave a little of the sweet taste, so something less sweet is fine, but nothing that is made with only or mostly sugar.

I also feel much better, happier, and healthier without it. Feeling alive and focused makes it easier for me to manage my stress and meditate.

Why go back?

I’m not sure what your relationship with sugar is (or any other kind of food or substance) and how your body is affected by it, as every body and mind differs in how it reacts to substances. However, I thought I’d shared this experience with you. Maybe if there’s a behavior, habit or addiction you’d like to pay attention to or you know someone who is struggling with addiction of any kind, this may help. 😊♥️

I Met with Anxiety and Depression

I met with Anxiety and Depression late 2016 and into 2017 and 2018. I still see them from time to time but our relationship is much better now than it was before, as I have taken the time to recognize, understand, and accept them as they are.

They spent a lot of time with me, trying to protect me these past few years.

Anxiety had me feeling so much fear, so I wouldn’t feel hurt from humiliation when sharing my artwork with others.

Depression kept me isolated from people, so I may recover from the recent trauma of losing someone I loved.

They wanted to protect me.

They did all they could to keep me safe.

And for a long time, I resented them.

I hated them for making me so scared to take action.

So mad at them for keeping me away from people for so long that it’s become so difficult to reach out, ask for help, and be with people again.

I hated them for doing what they only knew how to take care of me.

To keep me from getting hurt from what were perceived as potential threats:

Attachment.

Loss.

Broken promises.

Broken trust.

I hated Anxiety and Depression.

But hating them only made it worse.

What is my greatest achievement these past 2-3 years?

Accepting Anxiety and Depression as they are.

Feeling them through and seeing them simply as primal states designed to protect and keep me safe.

So thank you, Anxiety and Depression.

For being there when I wasn’t aware.

I suffered greatly and unconsciously with you by my side.

I know you didn’t mean to overcome me as long as you did.

You only stayed for as long as I needed to realize that I didn’t need to feel bad anymore.

You were only meant to visit as fear and sadness, not to come and stay as Anxiety and Depression.

I just didn’t notice you were there with me until I did.

And when I did, you two kindly departed.

You were not meant to stay forever.

And until I realized this, I held you two close.

It wasn’t your fault.

It wasn’t my fault.

This was just how we worked together when I wasn’t aware of you.

Thank you for being around.

I’ll be sure to see you, feel you, and listen to you a little more intently, each time you visit now.

With equanimity.

With love.

And with compassion.

Having gone through this period in my life, I sense it is not all for naught.

Nothing is wasted when it’s appreciated.

And I appreciate all that Anxiety and Depression has given me:

Immense insight and immense capacity to hold space for pain and to hold space for love.

I will take what I have learned through these low moments in my life and shine light on a new way of being and creating:

Creating with Compassion.

I didn’t create much when I was with Anxiety and Depression.

When I did, fear and shame was present.

I had difficulty truly enjoying and settling into the magic space of creating.

It was only until I look towards fear and shame with love and compassion that I was able to create from love and compassion.

That is what I wish for the world:

Human beings creating from joy, not fear.

From love, not shame.

To be a guiding light of creative compassion for others, I am building a business that delivers this message and practice to all human beings through online videos and a membership community.

We are all creators.

We are all artists.

We just need to be kinder human beings to ourselves so we may create more freely and generously with true abundance and care.


Man at the Atm

To the man that offered to help me into the bank ATM:
Thank you for your help
Thank you for your kindness 
And thank you for being straightforward with me
“Are you single?
Do you live here?
I’m just asking because you look cute.
I was wondering if we can exchange numbers.”
“Yes
Yes
Thank you
But no”
I said.
No qualm.
No anger.
No persistence.
Thank you for your respect and kindness.
It was refreshing.
And thank you to Self.
I was able to be truly myself around a man without the fear of needing to please him or be polite.
I received his compliment and gesture with grace and gratitude.
No disregarding.
No sidestepping.
No lies.
I’m proud of myself.
I’m happy with the work I’ve done.
It’s taken quite a bit of time.
But I’m feeling confident
Truly confident.
There are still many blockages I can feel throughout my body, but I’m encouraged to feel them through
Listen to them through 
Be with them through
Thank you for reflecting what I feel in myself
Kindness, love, and acceptance
I in turn feel I can trust the world around me once more
What I feel in my heart and in my soul.
Thank you, man at the ATM.
Thank you.
Much love to you.

Ruining Someone’s Life

I don’t want to ruin someone’s life

So I hid behind the screen

The burden is too much

Too much

I create with what I believe are good intentions

But I remember the creations as damaging

Egoic

Lost

I was lost

Parroting what it was I learned

From someone I now despised

He steered me away

Far far away from my center

My core

I wasn’t myself anymore

I hate that I got lost

I hate that I felt like I didn’t know myself well enough to know this was bad

This was not good

I passed along the same egoic, painful vibe to my work

With paying customers, thankful for the course

Here I am beating myself up for having created it

For having created a monster

A monster that is continually harping the same messages that I was taught

But

Somehow

This does not seem accurate

Yes I did repeat many things that I learned from this man I despised

But

I remember now

I ultimately was leading myself back to

Myself

The words and messages I delivered

I pointed myself back to center

I taught about brand, products, conventions, pricing and engaging

All things that I felt was important to consider when building a business

The deeper messages, regardless of the tactical tips, I was still doing my best to speak from a loving place

Or rather, my best was showing through

I’m not a fan of the energy

An energy I feel was fueled from ego and unmet pain.

I was not very conscious as far as I remember

And I shame myself so very much for it.

I feel like I could’ve been better

I should have been better

And feel like I was just like those nasty people putting out misinformation

Only caring about the money

The results

I hate that this happened

And that’s the thing

I don’t want to put myself down for something that I did

I don’t want to be angry at myself for being unconscious

That I could’ve done better

I don’t want to hate what I did or regret what I’ve done

I want to love and be compassionate with myself

I want to appreciate what has happened, no matter what has happened

I want to be grateful for the experience, no matter what that experience was

I want to forgive myself and love myself, regardless of what happened

Know that I am loved

I am forgiven

And I am appreciated

Know that I am not what happened

I am not what I feel

And yet allow myself to remember

To feel

What needs to be felt and seen

That is it

I am not what happened in 2017

I am not the courses

I am not the messages said in those videos

I am not the energy of “evil” in those videos

I am not the businesses

I am not the results

I am not what happens to the students

I am not what happened

I am not what happens


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