2019: Release

This morning as I was rummaging through the thoughts in my mind, I am held on the word: RELEASE.

This whole year I was learning to raise myself from a child mindset to where I am now. I retraced my steps, revisited my past multiple times over and over until that part of me was recognized enough to move on and expand.

I didn’t know what I was doing until I was doing it. But that’s what happened.

I raised myself up again, the way I needed, the way I wasn’t raised. I had to fill in the gaps my parents were unable to teach me or model.

I had to teach myself…

How to be the person I wanted to be.

I was impatient…

So I learned stillness.

I hurt.

So I learned how to hurt and heal.

I learned and raised myself so well this year. I’m very happy with where I’ve been. The willingness to face the pain that lived in my body, to teach myself how to feel sadness and anger, fear and hatred, learning to recognize feelings of shame, words meant to hurt me, guilt…and how to work through them.

Learning to recognize how I expressed emotions, how my body feels when experiencing these emotions, how to label that emotion, how I cope, and how I wish to deal with them. Damn, that was so much work. But it was so worth it.

I feel so different than I was at the beginning of this year. I was in such a gloomy, isolated place. I didn’t know what to do. And when I thought I knew, I would remember again and again I didn’t.

I don’t know what I’m doing until I do it. Things don’t make sense until I experience it myself. And even then, I can’t explain my experiences into words.

I know of things words can barely explain, I’ve experienced only my body can feel.

And I’ve wanted so much for other people to feel what I feel, see what I see, know what I know…

Because damn it’s beautiful.

That’s why it’s so frustrating for me sometimes when people don’t get what I’m saying or how I’m feeling.

But now I know…maybe…

Everyone uniquely experience things.

So heck, I’m going to experience things the way I can.

So yes, this year was the year of hibernation, recovery, tending to old wounds, healing, exploration, and learning.

Resting, relaxing, listening, receiving, learning.

Heartache, bruises, pain, fear, anger, frustration, anxiety, guilt, shame…

Emptiness, loss, aggression, despair, depression, anxiety again…

It was a heck of a rollercoaster…

And it was a year well lived.

I’m ready for 2019.


Keep Holding…Keep Holding…

This morning I consistently asked and wanted to hug him close…so very much. I kept asking and holding and holding and holding…

Until he said:

“Hold me close and fixate on how it feels. Hold me tight until you can remember that feeling.
Keep holding. Keep holding.
Can you feel that? That sensation? All throughout your body?
Hold that.
Hold that until you remember it.”

I held onto that feeling until my body recognized it, as much as I could.
And now I can feel it even more strongly.
When I ask again to be held, it’s even more instantaneous that I feel it.
Not on the surface of my body, but from within.

I feel held and hugged from within.

How wonderful this feeling is.