I drew this as a result of a past guilt I had placed on myself.
I knew it was guilt.
I talked about the story consistently with this feeling.
But I never really took the time to go THROUGH the guilt.
To truly face it, feel it, and see it for what it REALLY is.
In my mind, I had repeated over and over:
“If I didn’t get so emotional,
If only I was aware of my emotions, I could have prevented this from happening.
From losing this relationship and hurting someone I really loved.”
But what resulted in this self-blame was the shame that came with my emotions.
I couldn’t feel free to express my emotions anymore.
Because if I did, I would only hurt someone else.
And I didn’t want to do that.
“Be in control of your emotions.
Be there for your emotions.
You are the only one who can hold space for your emotions.”
I kept telling myself.
And so I did.
I kept my feelings inside.
Away from other people.
Sometimes even away from myself.
But in doing so, I kept myself from being true to my feelings with other people.
Only after I processed my feelings and emotions to a great extent did I feel safe to share my thoughts and feelings.
Sounds nice, right?
“Deal with your own problems,” I hear people say.
And that’s what I wanted from other people too.
I wanted to help people with their emotions, but there’s only so much I could do before I got caught in their vortex of emotions too.
But I realize now:
It’s okay for me to express those feelings.
It’s okay for me to be angry outwardly towards someone else.
It’s okay to feel upset because in that moment I feel like it’s someone else’s fault.
It’s okay to feel disappointed and cheated and neglected and ignored for so long.
And let them all out.
It’s okay to FEEL.
Yes, these emotions may cause misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
But the truth is, if I’m feeling these emotions, I’m hurt too.
I didn’t realize then that when I was being open with my feelings with this person, I was being kind enough to myself to let these feelings be felt.
To be heard,
To be known,
To be witnessed,
By someone else.
I was being vulnerable.
I’ve always wanted to save other people’s feelings.
To protect them from my emotions.
But at the expense of my own feelings?
I don’t need to hide anymore.
The feelings I feel NEED to be seen,
One way or another.
It’s being able to love myself even in the presence of these emotions,
Emotions I thought I wasn’t allowed to feel:
Anger, disappointment, sadness, frustration, abandonment, loneliness…
And know that in experiencing these emotions,
I am still human.
Even if it means someone else may be hurt by it,
Everything will be okay.
Their hurt and pain is also okay too.
It means something doesn’t feel good to them so need to let those feelings to be felt and acknowledged too.
What helped me get over the guilt?
Remembering when I let myself be angry.