3 Years This Day

Three years I met you This Day

I did not know what to expect,

This Day

I did not expect anything at all

And I am glad

For I opened up my heart to you

Willingly

Seamlessly

Instantly.

I was connected

I   felt   you

As though I have known you for many, many 

a lifetime

You opened up your heart and invited me in

I felt you there

Beautiful

Gentle

Kind

Giving

. . .

PEACE

Joy

Love

You knew me for who I am

You felt what was and held it for me to see

And I saw Me 

Through You

Felt Me

Through You

Love/d Me

Through You

You held me to See

And I felt held

Looked at

SEEN

With your mirror-like Soul

You gleaming, glowing Presence

Your Youness that is You

THANK YOU

Thank you for being, for me

For being You

I felt most myself with you

Love

Thank you love

You were there

You have always been there

I am now aware

With your help

Your existence

Your Being

The day we met three years This Day

Thank you 

I love you

Tuyet

2/20/19

2019: Release

This morning as I was rummaging through the thoughts in my mind, I am held on the word: RELEASE.

This whole year I was learning to raise myself from a child mindset to where I am now. I retraced my steps, revisited my past multiple times over and over until that part of me was recognized enough to move on and expand.

I didn’t know what I was doing until I was doing it. But that’s what happened.

I raised myself up again, the way I needed, the way I wasn’t raised. I had to fill in the gaps my parents were unable to teach me or model.

I had to teach myself…

How to be the person I wanted to be.

I was impatient…

So I learned stillness.

I hurt.

So I learned how to hurt and heal.

I learned and raised myself so well this year. I’m very happy with where I’ve been. The willingness to face the pain that lived in my body, to teach myself how to feel sadness and anger, fear and hatred, learning to recognize feelings of shame, words meant to hurt me, guilt…and how to work through them.

Learning to recognize how I expressed emotions, how my body feels when experiencing these emotions, how to label that emotion, how I cope, and how I wish to deal with them. Damn, that was so much work. But it was so worth it.

I feel so different than I was at the beginning of this year. I was in such a gloomy, isolated place. I didn’t know what to do. And when I thought I knew, I would remember again and again I didn’t.

I don’t know what I’m doing until I do it. Things don’t make sense until I experience it myself. And even then, I can’t explain my experiences into words.

I know of things words can barely explain, I’ve experienced only my body can feel.

And I’ve wanted so much for other people to feel what I feel, see what I see, know what I know…

Because damn it’s beautiful.

That’s why it’s so frustrating for me sometimes when people don’t get what I’m saying or how I’m feeling.

But now I know…maybe…

Everyone uniquely experience things.

So heck, I’m going to experience things the way I can.

So yes, this year was the year of hibernation, recovery, tending to old wounds, healing, exploration, and learning.

Resting, relaxing, listening, receiving, learning.

Heartache, bruises, pain, fear, anger, frustration, anxiety, guilt, shame…

Emptiness, loss, aggression, despair, depression, anxiety again…

It was a heck of a rollercoaster…

And it was a year well lived.

I’m ready for 2019.

RELEASE.

Keep Holding…Keep Holding…

This morning I consistently asked and wanted to hug him close…so very much. I kept asking and holding and holding and holding…

Until he said:

“Hold me close and fixate on how it feels. Hold me tight until you can remember that feeling.
Keep holding. Keep holding.
Can you feel that? That sensation? All throughout your body?
Hold that.
Hold that until you remember it.”

I held onto that feeling until my body recognized it, as much as I could.
And now I can feel it even more strongly.
When I ask again to be held, it’s even more instantaneous that I feel it.
Not on the surface of my body, but from within.

I feel held and hugged from within.

How wonderful this feeling is.

Here’s to Not Knowing (2018 Onward)

Here’s to Not Knowing (2018 Onward)

One of my goals for 2018 was to create more traditional artwork + make them more personal to me. I think I made that happen. 😊

Looking back, I was more vulnerable in my work than I’ve ever been. And I’m so, so happy about that ♥️. 
I didn’t know 2018 would be the year I would feel and heal through the pain of my past relationships and the absence of an emotionally available parent in my life. 
I didn’t know I would say hi, befriend, and REALLY experience emotions like anger and sadness as well as fear and shame.
I didn’t know giving myself permission to feel these “unacceptable” feelings and understanding the human and personal reasons behind them would relieve the tightness from my chest and the heaviness of the critic from my mind. 
I didn’t know I could feel more love, not by rushing to help someone, but by continually looking within and asking the questions I need most to hear: “How am I feeling? What do I want right now? What do I need?”
(I’m getting choked up just hearing those words.) 
To those who reached out to me because you were struggling with life decisions and creativity this year, I love you and feel you. You are not alone, as you reminded me the same. 
I am currently working on resources that may help me and others heal and create again, as it is something I am learning and practicing to do everyday. 
I don’t know what 2019 will hold, but not knowing got me here. And not knowing will get me through.
Thank you for reading this far and HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU!!! I love you! ♥️
Truly, 
Tuyet

To Bed

To Bed

After a long discussion over something she has long since forgotten but still remember distinctly not letting up until she was satisfied with his answer, she smiled and gave him a warm embrace. 

“Thank you,” she said, holding back tears.  
He returned her smile.
A soft gaze.
Then a grin.
He stood up from the sofa where they rested, scooped her up in his arms and carried her to bed.


                To Bed by Tuyet Tran

“I’m not too heavy, am I?” she asked. 
“Heh, no,” he replied.
He laid her gently in his bed and was preparing to tuck her in when she jumped up and declared, “I gotta pee!”
He shook his head in disbelief. “Oh my goodness. This girl!”
And off she ran, to the bathroom, wishing she could have just NOT needed to go.

Because gosh darnit, it felt SO nice to be carried and held by him.
To be tucked in by him as well? 
Ahh…well…

Need I say more?

***

Did he tuck me in later?

I can’t remember.

I’ll just make-believe he did.

Typical,
Tuyet 

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